Sunday, September 6, 2009

"Why Is There a Booger On the Bathroom Wall?" and Other Things You Never Thought You'd Say

Some days it feels like my life is all about wiping. Bottoms, counters, noses, feet, pets, floors, doors, windows, tables, walls. No matter how clean the house is, the second the kids walk in the door, it's like that Tasmanian Devil guy has come in, too. A whirlwind of debris follows. I find myself asking things like, How is there yogurt on the wall upstairs? No one eats upstairs! Why is there glitter in MY room? Is that pizza sauce on the couch? We didn't even HAVE pizza this week! Whose turn is it to pick up the poop? And what IS that dried crusty stuff on the bathroom wall?

I feel like I say, "We do NOT have a maid here! Clean up after yourselves!" about a hundred times a day. This leads to, "I feel like a broken record!" (which leaves my kids confused. They have no idea what a record is. They don't even know what a cassette tape is) and other mommy-isms that seem to pour, uncontrollably, from my lips. Sometimes I step back and listen to myself, like an out-of-body experience, and wonder, what would someone think if they could only hear my part of the conversation, out of context, like listening to that annoying person on a cell phone in a restaurant? (You know who you are. We ALL know who you are.)

Since having my first baby seven years ago, I find the most bizarre things coming out of my mouth. A sampling of my favorites:

We don't put our hands in our diapers while we're at the table.

The dog does NOT need a pedicure!

Pick your nose on your own time, please.

Cats don't actually like to swim, so let's not put him in the pool.

I know it looks like a dress, but no, your witch costume isn't appropriate for church.

Just leave the sunglasses in the toilet!

Mommy's keys are where? In the cat box? No, don't get them. We'll take Daddy's car.

Why are there raisins under the couch? We don't even HAVE any raisins! Wait, no, DON'T TOUCH THAT!

I saw a movie once where the main character's sister asks her young son, "What is all over you? Is it poop or chocolate? Poop or chocolate?" and takes a sniff and a lick. (If I weren't so busy wiping, I'd google it and find out the name of the movie.) Her single, childless sister is horrified. "What if it had been poop?" she wonders. Well, let me tell you, that's not the worst thing I've wiped off my kids.

Motherhood changes you. I used to puke at the mere THOUGHT of vomit. Now, I can handle two puking kids while changing their sheets, taking temperatures, and cleaning vomit out of my own hair. The smell doesn't faze me in the least. I used to be very sensitive to disgusting smells, but now that I'm a mom, I have to get over it. Who among us hasn't done the "lift the baby up, sniff her butt for poop" test? And we do it to other people's kids!

Slacker Mom vision of myself as a perfectly-poised, always calm, sweetly-smiling Super Mom has been shattered, but I'm OK with that. When you hear yourself saying bizarre things that you never thought would come out of your (perfect) mommy mouth, just remember that we've all been there. Our kids make us crazy, our husbands make us crazy, we make ourselves crazy, but we wouldn't have it any other way. Just try to put down the phone before you ask, "Poop or chocolate?"


  1. At least I know Cy is listening to me (sometimes) when I hear him REPEAT the funny mom things I say. Like the other day when I was doing the dishes and he wanted to play. He said, "Maybe the dishes fairy will come and do your dishes and then you could play with me!" If only! Or when he sees me frustrated with something and says, "Mommy's manding." "Manding" is how he first learned to say the word "maddening" which is what I say to him when he's doing something frustrating! (like taking 45 minutes to eat a quarter cup of food!)

  2. If Cy finds out where that fairy lives, tell him to send her over. I'll send him any Cars car he wants!